It's January 2025 and I'm already tired

Is there ever any respite?

It’s 9:20pm, Wednesday 15th January and I’m already fucking exhausted.

For starters, it’s currently 5:20am in Hong Kong; jet lag’s not doing me any favours whatsoever. But on top of that, the juxtaposition of *gestures at world* to the forced rest over the festive period feels like a kind of whiplash that’s strong enough to propel me through to the end of 2025 into exhaustion. I don’t want to say I’m ‘done’ with 2025, that’s a luxury to say the least, but I am certainly feeling weary, frustrated and heartbroken.

Anyone who reads the news or bears witness to the world knows exactly what I’m talking about. It’s quite relentless at times; mounting fascism, growing misogyny, climate breakdown, oligarchical overlording, political censorship… it’s all more present than ever before. This isn’t some anomalous bump in the road, this is late-stage capitalism doing what late-stage capitalism does best. And the thing is, we can’t simply say this is systemic, it’s entirely personal too. These things have real consequences on real human beings who have been fighting tirelessly for so very long.

On a personal level, I’m having to learn that I need to be even more selective with my energy than I already have been. Doing campaigning work is already extremely taxing and I am already so wary of spreading myself too thin and not giving love and attention to the people in my life who deserve it most.

Last year I gave too many people (specifically white cis men) the benefit of the doubt. I gave so many the opportunity to prove me right, to enjoy the company of my presence and to access my resources. I struggled, as you can imagine, with the outcome. From narcissistic meltdowns, abusive DMs to gaslighting in broad daylight, it’s no wonder one of the biggest determinants of women’s health is the men they encounter - did you know that women are more prone to autoimmune conditions due to chronic stress owed to unhappy relationships with men? It’s not simply social, this even affects our biology and longevity.

My 2024 ‘interactions-with-men’ wrapped was pretty dire to say the least. And the even sadder reality is that society is quicker to assume those who point out these issues are the issue themselves, as opposed to the deeply engrained and embedded psyche of toxic masculinity and its affiliated counterparts. I am hereby declaring that there’s an inevitability to being Taylor Swift-ified as an intersectional climate justice activist. Though there’s a lot to unpack around Tay Tay herself: yes she’s experienced a shit tonne of misogyny, but also, I’d rather not lump myself in with a highfalutin carbon emitter and all-round girl boss… and being a girl boss is not a good thing obvs. But for the sake of brevity and accessible analogies let’s stick with Taylor for now. This behaviour is just so normalised in society that anyone who challenges it is quickly branded something rather pejorative. The same goes for anyone challenging any form of injustice for that matter. And so the culture of being problematic becomes embedded into the culture of… well… just… being.

Even people who categorise themselves as politically engaged and educated utilise this to their advantage to circumvent accountability. It’s so surreptitious and rather disorienting, to the point where we have to be so scrupulous about trust. I also often find myself doing mental gymnastics in order to justify why I struggle to trust. And it leads to many assumptions as to why I choose to prioritise my platonic loves. I’m just so much happier that way and the alternative is far less gratuitous. This alternative consistently robs me of the opportunity to share the most beautiful parts of myself because I’m constantly fatigued with having to explain and rehash my traumas for palatability and educational purposes. Don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather be my goofy, energetic and amicable self 24/7, but the world doesn’t afford me that. Especially not a world that believes in individualistic mindsets that promote toxic positivity and good vibes only gaslighting. Ick.

So I’m finding that into the first few weeks of 2025 my patience is wearing thin. I simply do not have the energy to educate and entertain new people in my life anymore. In this day and age access to educational content is so readily available. So it’s not that people don’t have access to educate themselves, it’s that they choose not to. Believe me, I know. I used to compile books and resources for people in my life. Thank god many of them were willing and grateful for my labour, but unfortunately the majority of those who occupied the nexus of privilege and reluctance did not. And when they were called out on their behaviour it was either met with defensiveness and tone-policing or this sort of blasé obliviousness that just felt so lazy and childlike… it was almost infantilising. So to save myself the hassle of pouring my energy down the gutter I’ve had to be more selective. Yet somehow, people always slip through the net and before long I realise I’ve given yet another person the benefit of the doubt. Man. I. Am. Exhausted.

So what now? Do we pack it in entirely and preserve our peace? Yes. Maybe. Somewhat. For starters I think this is why I feel very picky about who I let into my inner circle and why the majority of my close friends are activists and organisers; they just get it. It’s so much easier. There’s no explaining to do, no overt mental gymnastics, no need to explain what tone policing is, what accountability looks like, how to act appropriately. We just get to enjoy each other’s company, good and bad. We’re not here to create an echo chamber per se, it’s more about a kind of preservation that allows us to continue doing the work we do. And like I said, the educational content is out there, we’re under no obligation to educate people about the very thing that oppresses us. There’s something incredibly painful about parading your trauma for people to learn from.

I know I’ve mentioned it’s a luxury to tap out as it were. But equally so, marginalised people have a right to rest and self-preservation in a world that constantly exhausts them. I mean that’s relative for sure, but I genuinely believe that rest and recuperation (against systems of oppression that directly affect you) are a god-given right. Especially if you’ve been campaigning against normalised injustice for a long time. It’s time other people stepped up to take the helm. I mean one travesty of a joke is that I would bump into the same people at climate conferences all the time and proclaim ‘how wonderful it is to see you again!’ and then go ‘oh wait… I’ve seen you again’. Our bubble is really rather small, and that is rather scary.

There isn’t much more to this tired ramble than that to be honest! It’s just been a tough few weeks to say the least. And for my 2025 I’m craving intentionality, discernment and boundaries, so here’s to hoping I get what I’m looking for.

Love,

Tori